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andy6336's Blog


17 forever

I had a friend at school who recently got in a car accident and died instantly. He was 17 and a senior at my high school. it came out of nowhere and i admit that i cried. he was the happiest kid. he was always laughing or cracking jokes. and now he is gone. i just dont have words to explain how shocked and numb i am. he was so good. everyone loved him and i cant understand why it had to be him. ive done a billion bad things in my life. i have a really bad rep where i live so wouldnt it make sense that i would go first? This world doesnt make any sense.

dgf

Theres no time to waste. We live in a world where we are not garanteed the next day. We could die at any time...at any place....without any warning. We only get one chance. One life. It is up to us to make the most of it. Live your life to the very fullest. Do everything that you can. Impact as many people as you can and dont just sit by while your life flies past you. You will never get it back. Don't sit in front of the tv or have your nose in a gameboy. Go places...see things, people, places; do somthing to be remembered by when you can no longer live. What will you be remembered by?....how many likes you got on your facebook post?....how many movies you watched in a day?....do somthng with your life...set the world on fire so that it can never be extinguished

The calling

It calls it does again and again
Begging and pleading saying "Let me come in"
You feel it aproaching quickening its feet
Bringing death and disaster to all it does meet

Awake at midnight you feel it's power
Have the urge to end your hour
A slip of the blade a drop of red
Breath does fade At last your dead

The sun rises and bids the day
Your parents open the door to wake
You from your slumber and then they see
Your bloodied form has gone to sleep

What if ....

       What if when you came home from work you found your entire family murdered and their bodies and blood everywhere. What if you called your girlfriend and some guy answereed and told you that he had fun with her and was now going to kill her. What if you were a 4 year old that saw his dad commit suicide. What if your best friend killed herself and you know that you could have stopped her if only you had been sober.
       Would you still be standing or would you have fallen? Fallen from exhaustion that never gets better. Fallen from a lack of help and support from people that were supposed to be there for you. Could you live a happy life? Could you walk around with a smile on your face? Or would you take up that knife every night and tell yourself that you wont go too deep. That you will be able to wake up in the morning but then slip one night and never open your eyes again.

first time

The first time i cut i was 14. And the stupid thing was that i wasnt even depressed. I had heard my teacher talking about it and i decided to try it. Worst mistake in my life because i never stopped after that. It started out as just small cuts but then escalated into deeper and more dangerous injuries. Somtimes i would cut untill my leg was totally raw. I cant believe i didnt die from it. And now i do suffer from depression. I mean im getting over it now i think but every once in a while i get that urge to pick up a knife. I wish i had never started because it turned out to cause alot of problems for me(3 psych hospitals). But my advise for all those that have never done it or have just started.....stop right away. And if there is someone that you trust talk to them. Because if you dont then it will only get worse....much worse and before you realize it is an addiction.

Chance

Give me a chance. I mean everyone deserves at least one right? I am in foster care and have been ever sinse i was 2. Im smart as shit   acccording 2 my grades and im very athletic according 2 the fact that no matter what sport it is, i excel in it.....not bragging just trying to give you a little background. But anyway, i have alot of friends and all and they always invite me 2 go places with them and the thing is that im  not alloud. My foster care agency has a policy that the foster parents must go with the kid wherever they go. And thats bad enough....but my fosterdad(who is an asshole) is just really embarrassing and always tries 2 hit on my friends.....so i choose just 2 stay home instead of going out with my friends...this includes dating and so its really hard for me even to date girls cuzz im almost never able 2 hang out. Im pissed cause all i want is just a channce 2 really live my life like a normal kid my age

now that im free

So beautiful....freedom i mean. Many people dont realize how much they really take for granted. I was locked up for 6 years and let me tell you that you dont realize how much freedom you really have untill you lose it. You may be asking yourself why i was locked up but it wasnt anything i did. My adoptive parents started abusing me when i was 11 and i was locked in my room untill i turned 14. I was allowed 1 bathroom break per day and only 2 to 3 cups of water per day. Meals were terrible and i went to bed everynight starving. I wasnt allowd to talk to any of my siblings and i was only alloud to speak to my parents when i was asked somthing. I was treated as a slave. My adoptive dad beat the shit out of me every day and my mom sexually abused me. I didnt know it was wrong. It was the only life that i ever knew. i thought it was normal. I had no friends and i had no contact with anyone in the "real world.' And to make it even worse, my adoptive dad was a pastor and therefore no one ever suspected any abuse. They used their religion to justify the abuse. Then when i turned 14 i started to try to stand up for myself and ask for more food  or to go to the bathroom. They didnt like that and so i got beat more. so i started to get mad and yell, at them. It was then that they realized that i was getting older and was starting to realize that what they were doing to me was wrong. they then went to the local children services center and told them that they did not feel safe with me in their house anymore because i had molested my 3 sisters(which is total bullshit). CYS then placed me in a PSYCH ward and from there i was sent to residential facilities and detion centers and group homes and all that crazy shit. I never had a childhood. and im not upset about that....i  actually would not trade my life for anyone elses. I am in foster care right now until November 1st and then i turn 18 and im gone. But the point of this was to just explain that we really dont realize how much we take our freedom for granted. 

Jusrt a little...

The blood is running down. Too many cuts way to deep. Driven to the edge by pain that tears at the soul. Worst enemy come alive. No way out because every doorway and window is blocked. Separated from all life and so screaming for help is useless. Alone in the dark with a breeze that never stops. Hand are stained red. Becoming more tired and hopeless every minuite sitting in this ruthless world. Empty.....Empty and gone.

One

Mixed up with friends and girlfriends and their friends and their boyfriends. Trying to keep my eyes and feet turned forward but its just really hard because no matter how much determination or guidance i have, there is still a choice that only i can make. Every time someone comes close to me i think that hey are there to actually help or care about me but it almost always turns out to be a scam. Its wierd. I mean i am just one human being in this huge world that holds no significance. Ive been hurt so much and for so long that it just doesnt make any sense why i am still alive. Why am i still standing? And then i realize that it is only because of one person. She has helped me so much that i cannot even begin to thank her. But i am trying. She comes up to me every day with a smile on her face that says that she is hurting beyond what the average person ever feels. And yet she always wears that smile so that when others look at her, they smile and then all of the sudden there is an epidemic that no one can stop. You may think that i am talking about my gf but im not. Its just a random girl from my highschool that is crazy enough to try and help me. And i thank her from the bottom of my heart.

Drowning....

I'm drowning right now and no matter what i do it seems like i just get heavier. I'm trying to keep a smile on and right now its just killing me. I have so many fucking people that like me and then i have a hand full of people that hate me and for real...i would rather have tha majority hate me because its just easier than trying to play Dr. Phil with all of their fucking problems with boyfriends and shit. Like i really care for my friends but right now im just drowning in their problems. I need air but im not finding it. Any help?.

Idk

I have a group of friends at school and i guess you could say that they are drama happy....lol..but they are my friends and i would stick with them through anything. The problem is that one of my "friends" is mad at me for somthing that she says i did and i know i didnt. The problem with that however is that no matter how nice or understanding i am she refuses to even talk to me about it and it hurts...like alot. Not only that but she is trying to separate me from my other friends and i feel that it is kinda working and i dont want to lose them. I have one very close friend that has helped me ALOT and i know that she will be there for me no matter what but i just feel like wherever i go, i either intimidate people so that they are scared of me or after we become friends they decide that i wasnt the type of person that they thought i was so they decide to leave. After having this happen a million time it starts to leave holes and gaps in you...i have so many by now that im scared that no matter what i do they wont heal.

In the begining......

Everybody says that we are born for a purpose and im open to that idea. The only thing is how do we know what our purpose is? How do i know that im not totally fucking up my life....i mean like is there some way that i could know for a fact that i am doing what i was meant to do? Idk if thats possible short of sorcery or somthing. But it sure would be nice to have that security.

The edge

How many people have i hurt? How many people will i hurt in the future?....Everywhere i go it just seems like i bring people down....its not that i try to.  In fact, i hate hurting people....its just not apart of my DNA. But then the wierd thing is that i can turn my feelings off....and this scares me. It scares me that i could murder someone and not care...i could torture them even and not feel a damn thing. Now im not saying that i have or ever will do this but it just the fact that im capable of this.....and the thing that makes it even scarier is that i have a friend with some sort of fucking "Spiritual" abilities that give her fucking powers or somthing and i know that she is not faking because she has proved it more than once by telling me things that she would have had no way of knowing....but anyway...she wont even go near me now because apparently im dangerous and im going to do somthing really fucking bad that is going to hurt alot of people...but she wont tell me what it is though so im stuck between the fact that i know she is not lying about this entire spiritual thing and the thought that i would actually hurt my anyone much less my friends. I dont want to be a bad person and i dont like people thinking that i woould ever hurt them intentionally but i dont know what do do because nobody will tell me and im kinda thinking that if in fact im going to hurt so many people and there is no way for that to be averted then shouldnt i just take care of the source....meaning wouldnt it be better if i was dead so that nobody innnocent would get hurt...i need help but it just seems like all the people that i want to talk to this about have suddenly left and wont come back.......

1-13 of 13 Blogs   

Previous Posts
17 forever, posted November 15th, 2012
dgf, posted May 29th, 2012
The calling, posted May 17th, 2012
What if ...., posted May 7th, 2012
first time, posted April 25th, 2012
Chance, posted April 18th, 2012
now that im free, posted April 4th, 2012
Jusrt a little..., posted March 20th, 2012
One, posted March 20th, 2012, 4 comments
Drowning...., posted March 19th, 2012, 1 comment
Idk, posted March 16th, 2012, 1 comment
In the begining......, posted March 15th, 2012, 3 comments
The edge, posted March 14th, 2012, 1 comment

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